My dad, the inappropriate jokester ...

So all might remember my dad, the MC, at our rehearsal dinner. Who can forget his impromptu karaoke and bad jokes? You've just gotta love my dorky dad for his total obliviousness toward any social etiquette. So, with my brother's wedding next weekend, one can expect a performance from my dad. He has promised that he has no singing up his sleeve but he came to me in confidence and shared THE JOKE that he's going to give at the rehearsal dinner. No one else knows about it (most importantly, my mom) but I'm sharing it to get a preliminary reaction. (Hopefully no one but the RACK is reading this and I'm giving away his secret :)

McDonough was flat broke the night of the big contest at the local Pub. So, with a practical spirit he tapped his wife's cookie jar for all it was worth and headed out to meet his buddies.

After hours of drinking, the contest began.. a contest to see who could make the finest toast in the town.

The end of it was near and the time had finally come for McDonough, who struck a mighty pose and with great emotion proclaimed: "May I forever be, for the rest of my life, between the legs, of my lovely wife."

The pub exploded in laughter and soon declared McDonough the winner.

Returning home victorious, 100 quid in hand, McDonough sneaks through his front door and to the kitchen where he finds his wife in a burgled mood with her skillet raised high.

Lifting his 100 quid in tribute he whispers proudly: "I won the toast, Mary. I won you 100 quid!"

A stunned Mary slowly takes the burden from his hand and says "Aye, my darling husband, so I see you did. And what was this grand toast that made these winnings."

McDonough strikes another dramatic pose and grandly says: "May I forever be, for the rest of my life, sittin' in church, with my lovely wife."

A smiling Mary replied "Aye McDonough, that IS a fine toast, a mighty fine toast indeed."

The next morning finds Mary's returning from the store and at the corner light she runs into Brady, her husband's very best friend.

"Hello there Mary" said Brady, in a testy sort of way. "Your husband won the contest last night with a mighty grand toast... about Yoooooo!"

"Aye, and so he told me" said Mary "and you know, Brady, that's just the strangest of things. He's only been there twice in the last 4 years. One time he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears just to get him to come!"

RACK Hurts

We are a medieval torture device. Check it out:
http://history.howstuffworks.com/middle-ages/10-medieval-torture-devices3.htm

Passporto Retardo

Just thought that was a fun title. The story of Rachel's passport......
Seeing as I somehow lost my passport in the literall y 7 moves I have made since 2003 when I used it last, I set out to apply for a new one. Now, this seems like quite the easy task. Well friend you are mistaken.
First, I must buy an original birth certificate and have it mailed to me. CHECK- 3 weeks later.
Second, fill out the lost passport form, and the application, which is only like 5 pages and took about 2 hours, and two phone calls to the parents- CHECK
Third, take pictures- CHECK
Fourth- Go to the post office and turn it all in……..This one is a doozy! Still working on that.
I called to make an appointment after finding out from a friend it took him a month. I made an appointment, but then I had a work conflict and couldn’t make it. I called to cancel and reschedule like anyone else. That was a fun conversation:
Passport Lady (PL): Hello (Imagine the most hick, country accent ever!)
Rachel: Yeah I am not going to be able to make my appointment tomorrow something has come up.
PL: Well, now miss, are you sure? Because you can’t just do that.
R: Really, because I thought I just did. (a little sarcastic and confused)
(don’t forget the ridiculous sounding super hick accent) PL: No you can’t just “cancel” with the post office, that is not ok. And, I don’t think you sound ready to reschedule another appointment, I mean, are you sure you can handle this. I don’t think you are responsible enough. I don’t want to make another appointment for you.
In my head: Are you kidding me? Can she do that. Hung up the phone.
WTF?
So, I called right back, she of course answered the phone. I just calmly said I need to make an appointment, just like I had never talked to her before. She didn't say anything, which was hilarious in and of itself.

It doesn't sound as funny written as it did that day. My co-worker and I laughed about that for a few days!

The Saga...

The Saga Of Bry

In the beginning, (July 2008) Bry and I started dating, and we both agreed we were not boyfriend/girlfriend, we were just dating and could see other people, if we informed the other person and no sex with anyone else.
This was the agreement. Time went on, we broke up, got back together etc. December 2008, have the DTR (define the relationship) again, same as before. Great. Thus far, Rachel went on a few dates, always letting him know beforehand. Bry, never said anything, Rachel didn’t ask.
February 2009- Rachel attempts to start another DTR, Bry says he isn’t sure, doesn’t want to talk about it right now, wants to think about it and he will bring it another time. (Brought this up because I was thinking I really was into him and wanted to be more serious) Bry does mention he often refers to Rachel as his girlfriend when talking about her to other people.
March 2009- Bry has still not brought anything up. Rachel and Bry are spending way more time together than ever before, Holding hands in public, going to things for the other person (i.e. Rachel’s roommate’s weird concert thing, taking a dorky Segway tour together, looking at motorcycles, etc.) and generally acting more bf/gf-ish. (Yes that is a word)
March 17- Rachel had a super PMS moment, and started a big fight. There was yelling, crying, etc. Days later, apologies from both parties, Friday night hung out, everything seemed fine by both parties (I mention this because I think it was a contributing factor)
March 26, 2009- Rachel goes to Atlanta, on the long 10-hour drive to Memphis had a lot of time to think. Basically, kind of realized I had not been kind of mean to Bry, by pushing him away and breaking up with him and finding reasons not to really fully be with him. thought about wanting to be with him more, how that would be, etc. etc.
March 30- get home from Atlanta, have a horrible cold, super tired. Been home about 10 minutes, talking to Leslie and she breaks the news. All our friends were at a party Saturday night, Bry and another girl would oddly disappear sometimes, they were together all night, someone told Leslie they saw him making out with her in the car.
Tuesday night, I was sick so he came over to make me dinner. I started talking about what I thought about and learned on my long drive, really liking him and wanting more etc. He was silent the whole time, just nodding etc. then I was like, what do you think? He said nothing, so I was like is there anything you want to tell me, he said NOPE. Nothing. I told him what I knew. He said oh that, no big deal whatever. I questioned him, he said he wasn’t sure if he was interested or not, might be, hasn’t talked to her since. So we are eating and talking blah, blah. Basically, he says he doesn’t care about me anymore than he did back in July. Said it was just dating, nothing more, and he didn’t think we were good together, didn’t mesh etc. In the middle of the conversation he left. That’s it, just left.
So, I saw him Saturday night with her at the bar with everyone, it was SUPER awkward and weird. I talked to him for like 2 seconds at the bar. Then, he texted me when I left “Are you ok” I didn’t text him back.
Then, he texted me Tuesday and Wednesday nights just like Yeah I miss you, are you ok, blah blah. I didn’t respond.
So, the next Sunday, I was all weird and being lonely, whatever. So I called him. Stupid I know. We just talked about what happened, I told him how hurt I was. He Finally acknowledged what he did was wrong. He said I knew I should have ended it a few weeks before (i.e. my freak out I think), but I didn’t and then I didn’t know how to. So, basically I heard I cheated on you and humiliated you in front of everyone because I am chicken shit and didn’t have the balls to break up with you. Oh how lame. And that’s it I haven’t talked to him or seen him since.
There ya go. The abbreviated version of what happened with Bry. Sorry it took me so long, I just didn’t know what to say and there was so much emotion around it. I can finally sit down and do this without crying or being super angry J

Fast Food Shame

I did it. I ate fast food. Burger King hash browns. This morning my tummy has not been feeling well which may or may not be due to the red wine consumed last night at an art opening and dinner afterward. (Note: Art openings are wonderful places to get free wine and beer and feel as though you may be cultured or the slightest bit intellectual...but more on that in another blog.) It hurt and I was thinking about how if the ache was due to a hangover, and I'm not saying that it is, perhaps I should have some greasy food to nip it in the bud (butt?). And I thought of the fast food hash browns. Ryan was very encouraging as he is not feeling so hot either...coincidence? So I did it...I gave in. I have not once stepped foot in a Burger King or McDonald's in Singapore. I don't think I've even had anything from one of those places since conos in bell'Italia. Which, for some reason did not count. I'm lying, I nabbed a few of Ryan's fries in Melaka. As I left the office to go downstairs to the Burger King I began to feel overwhelmingly guilty. Maybe my stomach doesn't hurt. I think I felt better, but I had alread made my decision. I felt so ashamed and embarassed walking into BK. All these people around that don't know me and are not paying any attention will know that I went to BK, they will see me! I ordered and felt even more shameful as I walked back to my office w/ BK bag in hand. I gave Ryan his order and sat at my desk to dig in. The worst part is that they were just okay! Fast food is not as good as I remember it. So was it all worth it? Well, I would say no, but even as I till have this odd oily and not natural taste that seems to have lubricated my mouth and won't go away, my stomach doesn't hurt anymore. And that's pretty cool.