rejuvenate

I ran today, only 2 miles but that is more exercise than I have done in a while. So yah!! That's one of the crazy things about minor depression. Saying it outloud and having it confirmed by someone who loves me makes it easier to change. It's weird that way. Skie and I talked about it the other night and he encouraged me to work out and that was just the push I needed. So here we go!

Turn that Frown Upside Down!

YAH updated blog! I think it's pretty, but totally let me know if you hate it. :)

Feeling better today, more hopeful about everything. I haven't been smoking, so that helps. Everything still mostly sucks but Skie continues to reassure me and I am sort of listening more. So there's that.

I have been applying for jobs this week so that gives me some light at the end of this dark tunnel. And, if I get a new job I can get on his insurance because that counts as a "major life event" and his insurance covers way more for infertility treatments than mine.

I have not worked out this week, but I have been at least thinking about working out. And I have some loose plans to do that today. I need and want to. I am going to try very hard not to turn on the TV when I get home from work. Small goals...........

I am hopeful the "times are a changin" since SB5 didn't get passed last night! HUGE WIN! In case you missed it here is a play-by-play: http://www.austinchronicle.com/blogs/news/2013-06-26/a-victory-by-the-people/

And DOMA is GONE! HUGE WIN!!

So things are looking up in general!

Also this

I am totally sucking a life right now. I didn't go to work today because I over slept. Seriously like the 10th time that has happened pretty recently. And I haven't done anything today. Except research infertility and read blogs. I am thinking "Oh I need to do laundry" oh but it's 4pm and that hasn't happened yet. I managed to smoke like 4 cigarettes, but can't do anything else. I didn't even eat anything until about 3. I am pretty sure this is depression. Not bad like suicidal depression but like no motivation depression. I haven't worked out in about 4 months. I went from being a regular at the gym to canceling my membership. Yoga seems like so much work I can't even entertain the idea. I used to do it almost everyday. What the hell. It sucks. I can't remember the last time I mopped the floors even. Bathrooms- phewww yeah right. Skie has been picking up that slack. The guy who works like 50 hours a week compared to my like 35 hours a week now has to clean for us. That is my job and I usually don't mind but I just can't do it. I can't motivate myself to do anything! And I am getting so fat but yet do nothing about it. I am broken. Hope it's only temporary..............

:(

We got bad  news Friday. Really Bad. I am scared we won't be able to have a baby grow in my belly. The odds of that being able to happen are now slim. That's really sad. I never in a million years thought this would be happening. And I feel like it's my fault, which isn't logical because it's not possible to be totally my fault. But it still feels that way. I keep thinking what if I had not done this or that or made a different choice. I have not always done the right thing or made good choices. I keep thinking maybe that is why this is happening to us. But it's not my fault. It's not my fault. This is my new mantra. I just want a reason or someone or something to blame but it doesn't work that way. Things happen. Bad things happen to people all the time. I know this logically, just to get my heart to know this is more difficult.
He is going to the urologist next Monday, I hope we get more answers at that point about our options. Maybe the tests are wrong, maybe it was a mix up or a fluke and everything is really fine. Here's hoping...
I have been researching possible options, even though we really don't know anything about the situation and I haven't even had my surgery yet. It's pointless and makes me feel better, more in control. We have discussed adoption, and I am feeling good about that. We agreed on domestic adoption so I went to the adoption website and started looking at kids. They just have their pictures up there, creepy right?! But I found some adorable kids that need a home. Turns out I have a home that needs some kids! :)
I also connected with a girl I went to high school and college with that has been through this. We were never really good friends, but always acquaintances. She lives in Virginia now with her husband and 2 girls. She so graciously shared her blog, which made me cry happy and sad tears for all they went through. And the time investment was about 5 years. They started young, I am worried we don't have that much time. In 5 years, my chances of getting pregnant get significantly smaller. I also don't want to wait that long. But again, we don't know anything about what it might take for us to get pregnant. Seriously have to remind myself of this a million times a day.
She also sent me a blog that is amazing. It is a huge community of women who are dealing/have dealt with infertility and all that comes with it. I have been reading blogs all day! This was good timing too because I follow some "mom blogs" and I have to stop reading them. (except Kat's, just the women I don't actually know.) I was reading them to prepare for getting pregnant and having a kid, but I need to be prepared for IVF, IUI, and all the other fun acronyms that I am learning. There is so much information and support out there now it really makes me feel "normal" and not alone. Because this stuff is really isolating. It feels weird or that we are somehow inferior people- not real men and women- because we can't have a baby. Someone should have prepared me for this! It should be such a surprise this was a possibility. Seriously, why is society all like "oh yeah just have a baby" no big deal. Um, it is a big deal, and really hard sometimes. We need to talk more about infertility and that 1 in 6 couples experience it. Cross your fingers and say a prayer we learn something after 9:45 am on Monday!!!

Baby O'Mahoney is...........

.....already a pain in the ass!! :)Skie and I are infertile.It's a label Skie and I own together. That is what we are dealing with now, the label and all that comes with it. It's not me and it's not him, it's us. Both of us have our own physical issues to deal with. He would rather me not talk about his, which I get. I call him "internal processor guy" because he can sit and think about something and feel something for an hour, 15 minutes, whatever and when he gets up he is good. He tells me how he is thinking about it, and it makes sense but that is NOT how I work, at all!

I am loud, out there "external processing girl." I like to talk about what I am thinking, feeling, etc. all the time and then I feel better. So.............we blog. :) I am going to try and blog once a week while we are going through all this baby making mess. Goals are good.

I was referred to the Fertility Specialist on June 10 by my regular ob/gyn. Skie took a test June 17, and we both went to the Fertility Specialist guy together on June 18. Basically, we were told we are infertile, there are things we can do to change that, and they will do their damndest to make a Baby O'Mahoney! That is promising. We have some friends who used the same practice years ago and they have 2 healthy babies, so they at least sorta know what they are doing over there.

The appointment ended with me getting to meet all my eggs, saying hi to the 'ole uterus, and getting a referral to surgery. Boo! The hypothesis is that I have some endometriosis spots/growths/whatever on or around my girl parts, this could include fallopian tubes, ovaries, uterus, or all of the above. On July 15 I go under the knife to check it out and possibly give the girl parts a spring cleaning. It's a pretty gross and painful surgery but many times this is the cause of the baby making problems. Here's hoping.........................

Skie is a little jealous because I can't walk much or lift anything for 3 days. He says he wants surgery too :)

But if that doesn't work there are several other options to be considered, each with it's own hefty price tag. We will just have to consider all the options/costs/alternatives/etc when the time comes. I tend to get a wee bit ahead of myself so I am really, really focused on today, this one procedure, and hoping for the best. I say the Serenity Prayer about 100,000,000 times a day. It totally works!

In case you aren't familiar, the Serenity Prayer is an AA fan favorite. They start and end meetings with it, and use it pretty much all the time, mostly because it works. It goes:

 God, grant me the serenity,to accept the things I cannot change,courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Powerful stuff. So many tricky parts, such as "the wisdom to know the difference thing." Hmmm, still working on that part. But it really does help me think about and ask myself: "Self, can you change this, really? Do you REALLY have control here?" Turns out usually the answer is from the HP: "NO! Back off and let me do it" (HP=Higher Power).There is a breathing exercise I do and teach that goes with the prayer that really helps drive the important stuff home. Life saver.

Anyways, back on topic.........I am focusing on the one surgery.That's all for today. One Surgery.

:)