:(

We got bad  news Friday. Really Bad. I am scared we won't be able to have a baby grow in my belly. The odds of that being able to happen are now slim. That's really sad. I never in a million years thought this would be happening. And I feel like it's my fault, which isn't logical because it's not possible to be totally my fault. But it still feels that way. I keep thinking what if I had not done this or that or made a different choice. I have not always done the right thing or made good choices. I keep thinking maybe that is why this is happening to us. But it's not my fault. It's not my fault. This is my new mantra. I just want a reason or someone or something to blame but it doesn't work that way. Things happen. Bad things happen to people all the time. I know this logically, just to get my heart to know this is more difficult.
He is going to the urologist next Monday, I hope we get more answers at that point about our options. Maybe the tests are wrong, maybe it was a mix up or a fluke and everything is really fine. Here's hoping...
I have been researching possible options, even though we really don't know anything about the situation and I haven't even had my surgery yet. It's pointless and makes me feel better, more in control. We have discussed adoption, and I am feeling good about that. We agreed on domestic adoption so I went to the adoption website and started looking at kids. They just have their pictures up there, creepy right?! But I found some adorable kids that need a home. Turns out I have a home that needs some kids! :)
I also connected with a girl I went to high school and college with that has been through this. We were never really good friends, but always acquaintances. She lives in Virginia now with her husband and 2 girls. She so graciously shared her blog, which made me cry happy and sad tears for all they went through. And the time investment was about 5 years. They started young, I am worried we don't have that much time. In 5 years, my chances of getting pregnant get significantly smaller. I also don't want to wait that long. But again, we don't know anything about what it might take for us to get pregnant. Seriously have to remind myself of this a million times a day.
She also sent me a blog that is amazing. It is a huge community of women who are dealing/have dealt with infertility and all that comes with it. I have been reading blogs all day! This was good timing too because I follow some "mom blogs" and I have to stop reading them. (except Kat's, just the women I don't actually know.) I was reading them to prepare for getting pregnant and having a kid, but I need to be prepared for IVF, IUI, and all the other fun acronyms that I am learning. There is so much information and support out there now it really makes me feel "normal" and not alone. Because this stuff is really isolating. It feels weird or that we are somehow inferior people- not real men and women- because we can't have a baby. Someone should have prepared me for this! It should be such a surprise this was a possibility. Seriously, why is society all like "oh yeah just have a baby" no big deal. Um, it is a big deal, and really hard sometimes. We need to talk more about infertility and that 1 in 6 couples experience it. Cross your fingers and say a prayer we learn something after 9:45 am on Monday!!!