AHHHHHH!!!!!

I forgot what I was going to write about. Like I had it going in my head and just feel lost now. 

Yeah that's the story of my life lately. I forget shit, get distracted, and just feel lost and out of sorts. I really really hate my job. I feel like I am always not liking my job for the past 2-3 years. Why is that? I'm honestly not sure- hence the blog. Must figure it out..........

I like being a counselor most of the time. Sometimes it's annoying, but mostly I like it. Comes sort of naturally to me, I'm good at it, makes a difference in the world, etc. Overall not a bad gig. And I spent a ton of money which I am slowly paying back to become a counselor. I am going to stick with it. Maybe it's the agency where I work. I have been here 6.5 years. A professor once told me in that the average counselor is burned out enough to change professions in 5 years. I said I am not the average counselor. oh shit, maybe I am the average counselor! Oops. Or maybe not, maybe it's agency work. Or maybe it's not the job at all, but a me problem. maybe it's the baby thing, the waiting to move thing, or the I'm not working out or doing yoga regularly thing. Hard to tell....... 

I get a little weird when I don't exercise. We have been socializing/drinking more often lately, maybe that's part of it. When I go out more, I exercise less. That's definitely a thing. 

But....even when I was working out all the time and on track schedule-wise I didn't like my job. My boss is a crazy person. Literally, work-aholic cray cray. And he makes all us counselors miserable by just messing with us and the clients. 

A little side story of what happened today. Female client, doing well overall- staying sober, working, etc. Missed one session with me. No biggie, still going to meet our minimum standards for the month. My boss gave her a notice that her fees are going up. From $5 a week to $82. On Monday. It's Friday. Rent is due in a week. What the hell. Why? I have other clients who NEVER come to session, who have missed compliance for months AND are still using. And they still pay $5. Why? No rhyme or reason, he just picks on people like that. So she comes crying hysterically in my office today, doesn't understand and is very upset. I had no idea this was happening, I have no idea why it happened. So I have to "present a united front" and go along with it but I think it's dumb and totally unfair and it's probably because he doesn't like her. Seriously, that's most likely the major reason. BAT SHIT CRAZY, and I have to pick up the pieces. Except this week I am not doing that. I failed at my attempt to do a "united front" as I am expected. And told her it seemed unfair, and I would try to appeal it, but most likely wouldn't be successful because he does whatever he wants. She understood, and already knew that. They are mostly not dumb and get how it works around here. It's embarrassing  I have experience, education, and I am good at what I do. But he demeans and undermines me ALL DAY. Luckily, he doesn't hate me. The counselor he hates, WOW that girl gets it bad. He questions every single decision she makes. Every single one. State of Texas trusts her, gave her a license, he doesn't and makes her miserable. 

Sorry for that long story, just want to make it clear what I am dealing with here. CRAZY.

 I know that's a big part of it, how could it not be. I also know just changing jobs and nothing else won't just be the magic pill to make me love everything. I need to get back to focusing on me. Not the baby that doesn't exist, not the cray cray at work, not my client's who suck at everything- not anything but ME. 

I like staying home at night because I worked hard during the day. I like going to bed at 10pm. I like not being tired in the mornings.I am tired all the time right now. And it's because of my sleep schedule. 

Skie and I are very different when it comes to all that, so I know we are swinging more to "his style" of things right now and away from "my style " But we are both at our best when we are in the middle of both of us. I make him stay home, and he loves it. And he makes me go out more often, and I love it. We get bored when we are too much like me, and we get tired with a messy house when we are more him. Got to find our way back to the middle where we function at our best. 

But I also feel like I am waiting all the time. I am waiting to get pregnant, I am waiting to see where we move (Florida or somewhere in Austin). Just in a holding pattern. It's making me nuts! It's good for me and I hate that. I always lack patience, that's something I have always struggled with. I want what I want and I want it NOW! Turns out, life isn't always so agreeable to that. So, I need patience. And to workout, and do yoga, and go to bed at 10pm. It's a lot easier to deal with crazy when I am well rested. 

So today, we nap. 

:)

Baby Making

It's been awhile for the RACK Blog. Recently some friends told me I would be a good blogger and while I disagree I thought it would be good to get some stuff out and share with ya'll! :)

So, Baby Making.
it sucks. it's hard. Why is it so hard? No one warned me about this. And everyone says not to stress. What the hell is that about? That is like the exact opposite of everything I am feeling. Also, don't tell me how to feel. People have lots of advice for me. Really, is this just like that time you went through this. Oh you haven't ever tried to have a kid and struggled. Oh well let's talk after that. Thanks

I feel weird talking about it sometimes because you "aren't supposed to." Why aren't you supposed to? Maybe to avoid random advice givers.....I don't know. I am a talker though, not much is secret with me. So yeah I'm going to talk about being sad when I start my period. And that doesn't mean I am sad or stressed all the time. So stop telling me that I am and that I should stop that and then it would work.

More about the sad though. I started Sunday. I really really really thought it happened this time. I had all the "early signs." Nausea, changes in the gastrointestinal area, smells bothered me, I got sick when I drank coffee, and on and on for about 3 days. So I thought this was the time it was going to work. But then I started. It's feels like losing, losing some competition with myself, and knowing it will be two weeks before you get 4 days of maybe. And please don't be tired or busy those days because you just have the 4 chances, and really just 2 chances because you are only supposed to do it "every other day." Turns out, we have a life and jobs and stuff and that's hard to do. But we do it, literally, just like we are supposed to. Timed perfectly the last 3 months and still nothing. Acupuncture for fertility- done. Massage for the stress- done. Charting-done. Reading "the" book-done. For Nothing.

The doctors won't do any tests until you have tried for one year. That's a whole year, 12 times of trying all these things for nothing. 12 times of disappointment, tears, being let down, working a crappy job because they have good insurance, waiting to decide where to move. It's like you have to go through this major loss 12 times before anyone will do anything. It baffles me. Is this some sick rite of passage? You have to go through this 12 times to be told there is a problem. Clearly there is a problem or it would have worked 11 times ago, I know I know there is only a 25% chance any given month. but I don't want to wait. I want to have a 2 year old temper tantrum and make them just test us already! It's a year "wasted" on trying and not conceiving that makes us a whole year older, which makes it harder, which makes it more stressful, etc........

You get the picture. It's tough. But it's making us tough, it's making our marriage better. So that's a good thing. The wait is going to make it that much sweeter when we are successful, hopefully we are successful, eventually.
:)