Baby Making

It's been awhile for the RACK Blog. Recently some friends told me I would be a good blogger and while I disagree I thought it would be good to get some stuff out and share with ya'll! :)

So, Baby Making.
it sucks. it's hard. Why is it so hard? No one warned me about this. And everyone says not to stress. What the hell is that about? That is like the exact opposite of everything I am feeling. Also, don't tell me how to feel. People have lots of advice for me. Really, is this just like that time you went through this. Oh you haven't ever tried to have a kid and struggled. Oh well let's talk after that. Thanks

I feel weird talking about it sometimes because you "aren't supposed to." Why aren't you supposed to? Maybe to avoid random advice givers.....I don't know. I am a talker though, not much is secret with me. So yeah I'm going to talk about being sad when I start my period. And that doesn't mean I am sad or stressed all the time. So stop telling me that I am and that I should stop that and then it would work.

More about the sad though. I started Sunday. I really really really thought it happened this time. I had all the "early signs." Nausea, changes in the gastrointestinal area, smells bothered me, I got sick when I drank coffee, and on and on for about 3 days. So I thought this was the time it was going to work. But then I started. It's feels like losing, losing some competition with myself, and knowing it will be two weeks before you get 4 days of maybe. And please don't be tired or busy those days because you just have the 4 chances, and really just 2 chances because you are only supposed to do it "every other day." Turns out, we have a life and jobs and stuff and that's hard to do. But we do it, literally, just like we are supposed to. Timed perfectly the last 3 months and still nothing. Acupuncture for fertility- done. Massage for the stress- done. Charting-done. Reading "the" book-done. For Nothing.

The doctors won't do any tests until you have tried for one year. That's a whole year, 12 times of trying all these things for nothing. 12 times of disappointment, tears, being let down, working a crappy job because they have good insurance, waiting to decide where to move. It's like you have to go through this major loss 12 times before anyone will do anything. It baffles me. Is this some sick rite of passage? You have to go through this 12 times to be told there is a problem. Clearly there is a problem or it would have worked 11 times ago, I know I know there is only a 25% chance any given month. but I don't want to wait. I want to have a 2 year old temper tantrum and make them just test us already! It's a year "wasted" on trying and not conceiving that makes us a whole year older, which makes it harder, which makes it more stressful, etc........

You get the picture. It's tough. But it's making us tough, it's making our marriage better. So that's a good thing. The wait is going to make it that much sweeter when we are successful, hopefully we are successful, eventually.
:)