Singlehood

Singlehood. It is an interesting state of being. I have a love-hate relationship with it most of the time. This week, mostly hate. It gets harder the older I get.
For one thing, I often think about independence. I have always wanted independence, always fought fiercely for it, and resented those who tried to take it away. Hence my unique postion today; I am living in Austin, going to graduate school, and working at a job I love. All should be great, right? Well, funny it does not always work out that way. I struggle to feel attached. Attached to something here, right now in my life. I think of it like a tetherball. The ball is always attached to the pole, which is firmly in the ground. The ball can fly all over the place, but not too far, and always comes back to its pole. Most people are the ball, and their families the pole. Makes total sense. You go out into the world, explore a bit, but then return if not geographically at least emotionally.
I feel a little different. I think my string broke about 4 years ago. I also think I was the one to cut the cord. I did not realize I was doing it at the time, but I remember when it happened. Now I feel like a ball floating out in space subject to the tides around it. It is a strange feeling that if I disappeared tomorrow, and moved somewhere that none of the people here I associate with in 6 months would notice. I mean I have lived here for 4 years, and have no human connections to show for it. Actually, less probably.
That is part of the challenge of being single right now. I feel, even though cognitively I know it is warped, that if I am in an intimate relationship, that person is close to me. We have an extra special kind of bond that cannot come from a friendship. So, it is like at least temporarily I am not floating around all alone, I have tied to someone else floating around and thus we float together. It makes it a bit easier to tolerate the tides going this way and that. Being single, I have no such companionship. Now I know this is warped because I am independent right?? I mean being independent means you do things on your own. It is not as fun as I once thought it would be. It is not the characteristic of someone independent to want that connection so much. But the other side of that argument, my heart says, it is perfectly normal for humans to want other, intimate, human connection. Then my head corners, you should also be ok being on your own. It is an argument I have not won or lost yet. Some days I feel totally cool, comfortable, and confident in my singlehood, and others I just feel lost.
Now, in the words of one of my favorite clients: “God gives you what you need, not what you want, or think you need.” There is a big difference between needs and wants, and sometimes it is easy to confuse the two. But given my limited perspective, and God’s big picture point of view, I can trust that when I am ready, really ready, not just wanting it, whatever is supposed to happen to me will happen, no matter what choices or bad decisions I make, or maybe in spite of them.