Turn that Frown Upside Down!

YAH updated blog! I think it's pretty, but totally let me know if you hate it. :)

Feeling better today, more hopeful about everything. I haven't been smoking, so that helps. Everything still mostly sucks but Skie continues to reassure me and I am sort of listening more. So there's that.

I have been applying for jobs this week so that gives me some light at the end of this dark tunnel. And, if I get a new job I can get on his insurance because that counts as a "major life event" and his insurance covers way more for infertility treatments than mine.

I have not worked out this week, but I have been at least thinking about working out. And I have some loose plans to do that today. I need and want to. I am going to try very hard not to turn on the TV when I get home from work. Small goals...........

I am hopeful the "times are a changin" since SB5 didn't get passed last night! HUGE WIN! In case you missed it here is a play-by-play: http://www.austinchronicle.com/blogs/news/2013-06-26/a-victory-by-the-people/

And DOMA is GONE! HUGE WIN!!

So things are looking up in general!

Also this

I am totally sucking a life right now. I didn't go to work today because I over slept. Seriously like the 10th time that has happened pretty recently. And I haven't done anything today. Except research infertility and read blogs. I am thinking "Oh I need to do laundry" oh but it's 4pm and that hasn't happened yet. I managed to smoke like 4 cigarettes, but can't do anything else. I didn't even eat anything until about 3. I am pretty sure this is depression. Not bad like suicidal depression but like no motivation depression. I haven't worked out in about 4 months. I went from being a regular at the gym to canceling my membership. Yoga seems like so much work I can't even entertain the idea. I used to do it almost everyday. What the hell. It sucks. I can't remember the last time I mopped the floors even. Bathrooms- phewww yeah right. Skie has been picking up that slack. The guy who works like 50 hours a week compared to my like 35 hours a week now has to clean for us. That is my job and I usually don't mind but I just can't do it. I can't motivate myself to do anything! And I am getting so fat but yet do nothing about it. I am broken. Hope it's only temporary..............

:(

We got bad  news Friday. Really Bad. I am scared we won't be able to have a baby grow in my belly. The odds of that being able to happen are now slim. That's really sad. I never in a million years thought this would be happening. And I feel like it's my fault, which isn't logical because it's not possible to be totally my fault. But it still feels that way. I keep thinking what if I had not done this or that or made a different choice. I have not always done the right thing or made good choices. I keep thinking maybe that is why this is happening to us. But it's not my fault. It's not my fault. This is my new mantra. I just want a reason or someone or something to blame but it doesn't work that way. Things happen. Bad things happen to people all the time. I know this logically, just to get my heart to know this is more difficult.
He is going to the urologist next Monday, I hope we get more answers at that point about our options. Maybe the tests are wrong, maybe it was a mix up or a fluke and everything is really fine. Here's hoping...
I have been researching possible options, even though we really don't know anything about the situation and I haven't even had my surgery yet. It's pointless and makes me feel better, more in control. We have discussed adoption, and I am feeling good about that. We agreed on domestic adoption so I went to the adoption website and started looking at kids. They just have their pictures up there, creepy right?! But I found some adorable kids that need a home. Turns out I have a home that needs some kids! :)
I also connected with a girl I went to high school and college with that has been through this. We were never really good friends, but always acquaintances. She lives in Virginia now with her husband and 2 girls. She so graciously shared her blog, which made me cry happy and sad tears for all they went through. And the time investment was about 5 years. They started young, I am worried we don't have that much time. In 5 years, my chances of getting pregnant get significantly smaller. I also don't want to wait that long. But again, we don't know anything about what it might take for us to get pregnant. Seriously have to remind myself of this a million times a day.
She also sent me a blog that is amazing. It is a huge community of women who are dealing/have dealt with infertility and all that comes with it. I have been reading blogs all day! This was good timing too because I follow some "mom blogs" and I have to stop reading them. (except Kat's, just the women I don't actually know.) I was reading them to prepare for getting pregnant and having a kid, but I need to be prepared for IVF, IUI, and all the other fun acronyms that I am learning. There is so much information and support out there now it really makes me feel "normal" and not alone. Because this stuff is really isolating. It feels weird or that we are somehow inferior people- not real men and women- because we can't have a baby. Someone should have prepared me for this! It should be such a surprise this was a possibility. Seriously, why is society all like "oh yeah just have a baby" no big deal. Um, it is a big deal, and really hard sometimes. We need to talk more about infertility and that 1 in 6 couples experience it. Cross your fingers and say a prayer we learn something after 9:45 am on Monday!!!

Baby O'Mahoney is...........

.....already a pain in the ass!! :)Skie and I are infertile.It's a label Skie and I own together. That is what we are dealing with now, the label and all that comes with it. It's not me and it's not him, it's us. Both of us have our own physical issues to deal with. He would rather me not talk about his, which I get. I call him "internal processor guy" because he can sit and think about something and feel something for an hour, 15 minutes, whatever and when he gets up he is good. He tells me how he is thinking about it, and it makes sense but that is NOT how I work, at all!

I am loud, out there "external processing girl." I like to talk about what I am thinking, feeling, etc. all the time and then I feel better. So.............we blog. :) I am going to try and blog once a week while we are going through all this baby making mess. Goals are good.

I was referred to the Fertility Specialist on June 10 by my regular ob/gyn. Skie took a test June 17, and we both went to the Fertility Specialist guy together on June 18. Basically, we were told we are infertile, there are things we can do to change that, and they will do their damndest to make a Baby O'Mahoney! That is promising. We have some friends who used the same practice years ago and they have 2 healthy babies, so they at least sorta know what they are doing over there.

The appointment ended with me getting to meet all my eggs, saying hi to the 'ole uterus, and getting a referral to surgery. Boo! The hypothesis is that I have some endometriosis spots/growths/whatever on or around my girl parts, this could include fallopian tubes, ovaries, uterus, or all of the above. On July 15 I go under the knife to check it out and possibly give the girl parts a spring cleaning. It's a pretty gross and painful surgery but many times this is the cause of the baby making problems. Here's hoping.........................

Skie is a little jealous because I can't walk much or lift anything for 3 days. He says he wants surgery too :)

But if that doesn't work there are several other options to be considered, each with it's own hefty price tag. We will just have to consider all the options/costs/alternatives/etc when the time comes. I tend to get a wee bit ahead of myself so I am really, really focused on today, this one procedure, and hoping for the best. I say the Serenity Prayer about 100,000,000 times a day. It totally works!

In case you aren't familiar, the Serenity Prayer is an AA fan favorite. They start and end meetings with it, and use it pretty much all the time, mostly because it works. It goes:

 God, grant me the serenity,to accept the things I cannot change,courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Powerful stuff. So many tricky parts, such as "the wisdom to know the difference thing." Hmmm, still working on that part. But it really does help me think about and ask myself: "Self, can you change this, really? Do you REALLY have control here?" Turns out usually the answer is from the HP: "NO! Back off and let me do it" (HP=Higher Power).There is a breathing exercise I do and teach that goes with the prayer that really helps drive the important stuff home. Life saver.

Anyways, back on topic.........I am focusing on the one surgery.That's all for today. One Surgery.

:)

AHHHHHH!!!!!

I forgot what I was going to write about. Like I had it going in my head and just feel lost now. 

Yeah that's the story of my life lately. I forget shit, get distracted, and just feel lost and out of sorts. I really really hate my job. I feel like I am always not liking my job for the past 2-3 years. Why is that? I'm honestly not sure- hence the blog. Must figure it out..........

I like being a counselor most of the time. Sometimes it's annoying, but mostly I like it. Comes sort of naturally to me, I'm good at it, makes a difference in the world, etc. Overall not a bad gig. And I spent a ton of money which I am slowly paying back to become a counselor. I am going to stick with it. Maybe it's the agency where I work. I have been here 6.5 years. A professor once told me in that the average counselor is burned out enough to change professions in 5 years. I said I am not the average counselor. oh shit, maybe I am the average counselor! Oops. Or maybe not, maybe it's agency work. Or maybe it's not the job at all, but a me problem. maybe it's the baby thing, the waiting to move thing, or the I'm not working out or doing yoga regularly thing. Hard to tell....... 

I get a little weird when I don't exercise. We have been socializing/drinking more often lately, maybe that's part of it. When I go out more, I exercise less. That's definitely a thing. 

But....even when I was working out all the time and on track schedule-wise I didn't like my job. My boss is a crazy person. Literally, work-aholic cray cray. And he makes all us counselors miserable by just messing with us and the clients. 

A little side story of what happened today. Female client, doing well overall- staying sober, working, etc. Missed one session with me. No biggie, still going to meet our minimum standards for the month. My boss gave her a notice that her fees are going up. From $5 a week to $82. On Monday. It's Friday. Rent is due in a week. What the hell. Why? I have other clients who NEVER come to session, who have missed compliance for months AND are still using. And they still pay $5. Why? No rhyme or reason, he just picks on people like that. So she comes crying hysterically in my office today, doesn't understand and is very upset. I had no idea this was happening, I have no idea why it happened. So I have to "present a united front" and go along with it but I think it's dumb and totally unfair and it's probably because he doesn't like her. Seriously, that's most likely the major reason. BAT SHIT CRAZY, and I have to pick up the pieces. Except this week I am not doing that. I failed at my attempt to do a "united front" as I am expected. And told her it seemed unfair, and I would try to appeal it, but most likely wouldn't be successful because he does whatever he wants. She understood, and already knew that. They are mostly not dumb and get how it works around here. It's embarrassing  I have experience, education, and I am good at what I do. But he demeans and undermines me ALL DAY. Luckily, he doesn't hate me. The counselor he hates, WOW that girl gets it bad. He questions every single decision she makes. Every single one. State of Texas trusts her, gave her a license, he doesn't and makes her miserable. 

Sorry for that long story, just want to make it clear what I am dealing with here. CRAZY.

 I know that's a big part of it, how could it not be. I also know just changing jobs and nothing else won't just be the magic pill to make me love everything. I need to get back to focusing on me. Not the baby that doesn't exist, not the cray cray at work, not my client's who suck at everything- not anything but ME. 

I like staying home at night because I worked hard during the day. I like going to bed at 10pm. I like not being tired in the mornings.I am tired all the time right now. And it's because of my sleep schedule. 

Skie and I are very different when it comes to all that, so I know we are swinging more to "his style" of things right now and away from "my style " But we are both at our best when we are in the middle of both of us. I make him stay home, and he loves it. And he makes me go out more often, and I love it. We get bored when we are too much like me, and we get tired with a messy house when we are more him. Got to find our way back to the middle where we function at our best. 

But I also feel like I am waiting all the time. I am waiting to get pregnant, I am waiting to see where we move (Florida or somewhere in Austin). Just in a holding pattern. It's making me nuts! It's good for me and I hate that. I always lack patience, that's something I have always struggled with. I want what I want and I want it NOW! Turns out, life isn't always so agreeable to that. So, I need patience. And to workout, and do yoga, and go to bed at 10pm. It's a lot easier to deal with crazy when I am well rested. 

So today, we nap. 

:)

Baby Making

It's been awhile for the RACK Blog. Recently some friends told me I would be a good blogger and while I disagree I thought it would be good to get some stuff out and share with ya'll! :)

So, Baby Making.
it sucks. it's hard. Why is it so hard? No one warned me about this. And everyone says not to stress. What the hell is that about? That is like the exact opposite of everything I am feeling. Also, don't tell me how to feel. People have lots of advice for me. Really, is this just like that time you went through this. Oh you haven't ever tried to have a kid and struggled. Oh well let's talk after that. Thanks

I feel weird talking about it sometimes because you "aren't supposed to." Why aren't you supposed to? Maybe to avoid random advice givers.....I don't know. I am a talker though, not much is secret with me. So yeah I'm going to talk about being sad when I start my period. And that doesn't mean I am sad or stressed all the time. So stop telling me that I am and that I should stop that and then it would work.

More about the sad though. I started Sunday. I really really really thought it happened this time. I had all the "early signs." Nausea, changes in the gastrointestinal area, smells bothered me, I got sick when I drank coffee, and on and on for about 3 days. So I thought this was the time it was going to work. But then I started. It's feels like losing, losing some competition with myself, and knowing it will be two weeks before you get 4 days of maybe. And please don't be tired or busy those days because you just have the 4 chances, and really just 2 chances because you are only supposed to do it "every other day." Turns out, we have a life and jobs and stuff and that's hard to do. But we do it, literally, just like we are supposed to. Timed perfectly the last 3 months and still nothing. Acupuncture for fertility- done. Massage for the stress- done. Charting-done. Reading "the" book-done. For Nothing.

The doctors won't do any tests until you have tried for one year. That's a whole year, 12 times of trying all these things for nothing. 12 times of disappointment, tears, being let down, working a crappy job because they have good insurance, waiting to decide where to move. It's like you have to go through this major loss 12 times before anyone will do anything. It baffles me. Is this some sick rite of passage? You have to go through this 12 times to be told there is a problem. Clearly there is a problem or it would have worked 11 times ago, I know I know there is only a 25% chance any given month. but I don't want to wait. I want to have a 2 year old temper tantrum and make them just test us already! It's a year "wasted" on trying and not conceiving that makes us a whole year older, which makes it harder, which makes it more stressful, etc........

You get the picture. It's tough. But it's making us tough, it's making our marriage better. So that's a good thing. The wait is going to make it that much sweeter when we are successful, hopefully we are successful, eventually.
:)

Shower Power!

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