Hoping for IVF

We found out Monday that IVF is going to be our best shot at having a pregnancy. I had been thinking about that already, so I was not surprised at all. I don't think Skie was either. We knew after the first round of test results this was going to be on the table early. Skie has to go through some hard times in the doctor's office in the next month :( Poor guy. He handled his very uncomfortable tests Monday like a champ!

There is still a chance that conceiving a child is not in our plans. We are not focusing on that. We are focusing on two successful surgeries, and looking forward to IVF (said no one ever, except when that is the only chance of being pregnant).

We have been busy preparing for his sister to move in, which should happen today. I am pretty sure these are huge life events I would not normally prefer to be happening concurrently. I was not consulted in the timing of events. I need to talk to someone about that.............. :)

I have been learning a lot about IVF online, which provides me with a lot of comfort. I just like knowing what to expect, and going to the doctor's office knowing the terminology and the choices they will likely explain. There are a ton of acronyms BTW. I am trying to learn them all and might at some point make a list to help me keep track.

I am also looking for a different job. I have a second interview Thursday, and feel that it will be a good opportunity for me. I have to get a new job to be able to do the IVF less expensively. Skie has amazing insurance and they will cover part of the expense, my job does not offer such a benefit. If I change jobs I can be on his insurance immediately, otherwise we have to wait until January. That's not an ideal situation. Skie is doing his part of the procedure in late August, so hopefully I can do my part in September. Then hopefully my HP will do his part and we will be preggo in September. Whew! That is a lot of moving parts! The odds of success in a woman my age is high on the first shot, around 44%. And by cycle 3 it is as high as 66%. Hopefully we are part of the 44%, but the ways things are working out, we are preparing for at least 2 cycles. It's the fatalist in me. :)

Luckily I have some acquaintances that have gone through it, and there is a HUGE online community. If you want to check it out this woman's blog is the mecca for all infertility related things. She has twins now, but struggled for a long time. I love the blog roll, because you can pretty much read about someone's experience with whatever you are going through. It's good stuff!  http://www.stirrup-queens.com

I am also grateful we have already talked about adoption. We are both totally on board with domestic adoption. If we get twins (there is a higher chance with IVF than with natural conception) great, one and done. If not, we will likely adopt our second (and maybe third) child. I feel relief that we have already discussed that, and have a future game plan. I'm a bit of a planner, just in case that wasn't obvious already. :)

Surprise!

We are going to be parents.....of an 18-year-old girl!
Not exactly the way we thought our first parenting experience would be, but hey we are rolling with it. Skie's sister has been struggling lately, she just graduated from high school in May, and isn't quite sure of where she wants to go now. She will live with us and hopefully get some directional orientation.

This weekend we worked hard at cleaning out the bedroom that was the office, and moving the office to the other bedroom. I personally was excited about this change because I have been wanting to do it forever! It looks great now! Our office was a gigantic mess, like seriously gigantic. We also got a new mattress for us! WHOO!!! We also need to get a dresser, I just can't decide what I want in there. I do know I want it to eventually be the baby's changing table. Because it turns out a changing table is a dresser. They are totally the same thing. What a scam. We also talked about having her paint the bedroom and paint a headboard on the wall. She is a very good artist, and I think it would be adorable! I hope she gets to that project soon.
She will be moving in this week sometime, so the blog might get interesting as we navigate the world of parenting a teenager.

In other fertility news, we have an urology appointment today. There will be tests, and results of tests to be had. I am nervously excited as it means movement, and it has to be forward movement because backwards isn't really an option.

Kidless Fun Times

Yesterday driving to our friend's pool I was struck by a moment of complete happiness and gratefulness. Wearing bathing suits, Jeep windows down, Bob Marley blaring on the radio I was feeling so grateful. Because I am blessed to have an awesome husband, great friends, the ability to go swimming, enjoying the sun with friends. I realized these are the best days of our lives. These are awesome days, I want to enjoy them. So for yesterday, I did not long for a baby. I did not wish he/she was there with us at the pool. I just enjoyed the life I have, which is pretty awesome.
When we do finally have a baby we won't be able to do the random fun things all the time we do now. Saturday night as an example.
We didn't have any plans Saturday night so I went online to look for something to do. I found a burlesque show was playing at the Spiderhouse. The Spiderhouse has identity issues, I was a coffee shop, which it still is, but  also has lots of food, adult beverages, live bands, huge outside patio, and a theater. I saw a live rendition of a Saved By The Bell episode there a few years ago. Seriously, it was hilarious!
Anyways, the Bat City Bombshells were so much fun! We went early, had some food and a beer then saw the show. Afterwards, we were totally going  to go home but got to talking to this photographer for Austin360.com. Meeting people-it's sorta what we do. We chatted with our new friend, randomly started talking to other people outside, and before you know it, it was midnight. We had a great time, met new friends, spent time outside, and saw a fun show! Good night, and something that will be dramatically different when we have kids. So for this weekend, all was calm in infertility land :)

To tell or not to tell

(Pardon misspellings,I am on the tablet)

So we went to a July 3rd party last night at a good friend's house who we have known for a long time. Most of the people there we have both known since before we knew each other. I am pretty open about our fertility situation overall and especially with friends and after a couple drinks. I wonder if I should be more tight lipped about it though.  Am I over sharing, do people not want to hear it, and what if something bad happens....those aren't actually my questions though. Because I don't mind people knowing. But I wonder if future me will want me to keep my mouth shut? Yeah I suck at that soooooo probably not my approach.
It is interesting though because there is one girl who I just knew I didn't want to share anything with. And I didn't, even though they are trying for a baby too, and we talk about getting pregnant and TTC whenever we see each other. Which btw is only at social gatherings we have both been invited to. When I saw her last night I had this guttural response to not talk about it. Like my mind clenched up and was all "mayday, mayday get out now. Danger danger!"
What could I do but listen to it. So of course she asked how I was doing if we were still trying, tracking etc. And I totally acted cool and calm and was all "oh yeah still doing it, no we haven't been to the doctor or anything. You know it will happen whenever" that was the first time since we were engaged I have left a conversation with her feeling good about myself. (P.S. she is the only person who upset me and made me feel bad about wedding,  then she decided not to go at the last minute!)
So I think while I share more than some, I know how to protect myself from people that will not be the supportive friend I need. And I think I am good at taking social cues from people when they aren't interested or are uncomfortable.  Though if anyone has word of wisdom with a side of hindsight I am open to that too!
Must go hang out with my fur-babies.
Happy Independence Day!!!!!!

The Fatalist and the Optimist

Guess which one I am playing?
That's right- The Fatalist. But lucky for me Skie is an eternal optimist!

Skie's attititude: There was a doctor visit on Monday, and while we don't know much more than before, we will most likely have a minor surgery that will open everything up so we can have a baby the old fashioned way! YAH!

Rachel's attitude: There was a doctor visit on Monday. We don't know anything new really. We might, possibly, hopefully, if we are really really lucky (slim chance) be able to have a minor surgery to have a baby old school. BUT, knowing us and the luck we have had the past few years, we will likely have IVF.

Our compromise viewpoint: Ok, it could happen the old fashioned way. Let's wait and see!

:) We have some good and funny conversations! LOL

But I got to cancel my Major surgery that was scheduled for July so that is AMAZING! I was NOT looking forward to 4-5 days recovery time.

We have an appointment July 15 for more test results, and hopefully more answers!

10 Words

This is an AWESOME Article about dealing with infertility. I want to post it so I don't lost it and can refer to it when I need to. There are so many awesome things about this post. I read it and kept saying "yes, I say that. This is me!" Because no one knows what it is like until you experience it and I don't want anyone to experience it. So I hope no one else understands this feeling in the future, but know they will. Bittersweet.

It is from a blog called The Actual Pastor. http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/

Here is the post: 

Ten words that describe infertility

March 26, 2013 — 376 Comments

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about the hilarious and exasperating journey of parenting small children. But for seven harrowing years of infertility, Mary and I would have given anything to have children, no matter how hard it was.

Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal. 

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.

My blessing for you as you struggle: May God give you what you need, when you need it, over and over and over again."

rejuvenate

I ran today, only 2 miles but that is more exercise than I have done in a while. So yah!! That's one of the crazy things about minor depression. Saying it outloud and having it confirmed by someone who loves me makes it easier to change. It's weird that way. Skie and I talked about it the other night and he encouraged me to work out and that was just the push I needed. So here we go!